The Three Ladies of London Author Robert Wilson Editor Chantelle Thauvette Textual Editor Helen Ostovich Textual Editor Andrew Griffin Conversion and Remediation LEMDO Team

Modern text prepared by Chantelle Thauvette for Queen’s Men Editions.

 University of Victoria on the Linked Early Modern Drama Online platform http://qme.internetshakespeare.uvic.ca/Foyer/plays/3LL.html

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The three ladies of London Love Love

Conscience Conscience

Lucre Lucre

Employees of Lucre Dissimulation Dissimulation

Fraud Fraud

Usury Usury

Simony Simony

Simplicity, a miller, and play’s primary clown Simplicity

Note about Simplicity goes here.

Sincerity, Simplicity’s cousin, a parson seeking a living Sincerity

Hospitality, friend of poor and rich alike Hospitality

Mercadorus, an Italian Merchant Mercadorus

Gerontus, a Jewish merchant in Turkey Gerontus

Judge of Turkey Judge of Turkey

Fame, trumpeter of reputation in London Fame

Artifex, a skilled worker Artifex

Lawyer Creticus Lawyer

Sir Nicholas Nemo Nicholas Nemo

Peter Pleaseman Peter Pleaseman

Cogging, Dissimulation’s manservant Cogging

Tom Beggar, a beggar Tom Beggar

Wily Will, a beggar Wily Will

Serviceable Diligence, a constable Diligence

Officer(s) with Whip(s) Officer Officers

Beadle Beadle

Judge Nemo, sitting on the bench for the Assizes Judge Nemo

Clerk of the Assizes Clerk

Crier of the Assizes Crier

Transformed lb elements to commented out WLNs. Removed l element from stage direction. Added missing speaker elements in three instances. Inserted spaces before anchor. Moved anchors while working on annotations. Corrected an em dash and a spelling error while working on the annotations. Remediation work: Created a listPerson for the character. Added who attributes to sp elements. Corrected inconsistent speech prefixes for Judge Nemo (occasional use of Judge changed to match majority of the speech prefixes, which read Judge Nemo) and corrected one speech prefix in all caps. Gave xml:ids to div elements for scenes. Started numbering speeches. With Nicole Vatcher and Tracey El Hajj, linked apparatus file to this file. Added anchors and modified using XSLT. Remove lb elements with n attributes using regex and replace straight apos with curlies using xslt. Created TEI from IML file.

The Prologue To sit on honor’s seat, it is a lofty reach; To seek for praise by making brags oft-times doth get a breach. We list not ride the rolling racks that dims the crystal skies. We mean to set no glimmering glance before your courteous eyes. We search not Pluto’s pensive pit, nor taste of Limbo Lake. We do not show of warlike fight, as shield and sword to shake. We speak not of the powers divine, ne yet of furious sprites. We do not seek high hills to climb, nor talk of love’s delights. We do not here present to you the thresher with his flail, Nor do we here present to you the milkmaid with her pail. We show not you of country toil, as hedger with his bill. We do not bring the husbandman to lop and top with skill. We play not here the gardener’s part to plant, to set, and sow. You marvel then what wares we have to furnish out our show. Your patience yet we crave a while till we have trimmed our stall; Then, young and old, come and behold our wares, and buy them all. Then if our wares shall seem to you well woven, good, and fine, We hope we shall your custom have again another time. FINIS.
A Pithy and Pleasant Comedy of the Three Ladies of London.
Scene 1 Video Sc. 1 Enter Fame sounding before Love and Conscience. Love Lady Conscience, What shall we say to our estates, to whom shall we complain, Or how shall we abridge such fates as heapeth up our pain? ’Tis Lucre now that rules the rout, ’tis she is all in all, ’Tis she that holds her head so stout; in fine, ’tis she that works our fall. Oh, Conscience, I fear, I fear a day That we by her and Usury shall quite be cast away. Conscience Indeed I fear the worst, for every man doth sue And comes from countries strange and far, of her to have a view, Although they ought to seek true Love and Conscience clear. But Love and Conscience few do like, that lean on Lucre’s chair. Men ought be ruled by us, we ought in them bear sway: So should each neighbor live by other in good estate alway. Love For Lucre men come from Italy, Barbary, Turkey, From Jewry — nay the Pagan himself Endangers his body to gape for her pelf. They forsake mother, prince, country, religion, kith and kin; Nay, men care not what they forsake, so Lady Lucre they win, That we poor ladies may sigh to see our states thus turned and tossed, And worse and worse is like to be, where Lucre rules the roost! Conscience You say the truth, yet God I trust will not admit it so, That Love and Conscience by Lucre’s lust shall catch an overthrow. Fame Good ladies, rest content, and you no doubt shall see Them plagued with painful punishment for such their cruelty; And if true Love and Conscience live from Lucre’s lust lascivious, Then Fame a triple crown will give, which lasteth ay victorious. Conscience God grant that Conscience keep within the bounds of right, And that vile Lucre do not daunt her heart with deadly spite. Love And grant, O God, that Love be found in city, town, and country, Which causeth wealth and peace abound, and pleaseth God almighty. Fame But, ladies, is’t your pleasure to walk abroad a while, And recreate yourselves with measure, your sorrows to beguile? Conscience Pass on, good Fame, your steps do frame; on you we will attend, And pray to God, that holds the rod, our states for to defend. Exeunt.
Scene 2 Video Sc. 2 Enter Dissimulation, having on a farmer’s long coat, and a cap, and his polland beard painted motley. Dissimulation Nay, no less than a farmer, a right honest man, But my tongue cannot stay me to tell what I am. Nay, who is it that knows me not by my particolored head? They may well think, that see me, my honesty is fled. Tush, a fig for honesty! Tut, let that go, Sith men, women, and children my name and doings do know. My name is Dissimulation, and no base mind I bear, For my outward effects my inward zeal do declare; For men do dissemble with their wives and their wives with them again, So that in the hearts of them I always remain. The child dissembles with his father, the sister with her brother, The maiden with her mistress, and the young man with his lover. There is dissimulation between neighbor and neighbor, friend and friend, one with another, Between the servant and his master, between brother and brother. Then why make you it strange that ever you knew me, Seeing so often I range throughout every degree? But forget my baseness – I’ll towards London as fast as I can To get entertainment of one of the three ladies, like an honest man. Enter Simplicity like a miller all mealy with a wand in his hand. Simplicity They say there is preferment in London to have. Mass, an there be, I’ll be passing and brave. Why, I’ll be no more a miller, because the maidens call me Dusty-poll. One thumps me on the neck, and another strikes me on the noll. And you see I am a handsome fellow: mark the comporknance of my stature. Faith, I’ll go seek peradventures, and be a serving creature. Dissimulation Whither away, good fellow? I pray thee, declare. Simplicity Marry, I’ll ’clare thee, to London. Would thou didst go there! Dissimulation What if I did? Would it be better for thee? Simplicity Ay, marry, should it, for I love honest company. Dissimulation Agreed, Shaking hands there is a bargain. But what shall I call thee? Simplicity ’Cause thou art an honest man, I’ll tell thee: my name is Simplicity Dissimulation A name agreeing to thy nature – but stay, here comes more company. Enter Fraud with a sword and buckler like a ruffian. Fraud Huff, once aloft raising his sword , an if I may hit in the right vein, Where I may beguile easily without any great pain, I will flaunt it and brave it after the lusty swash — I’ll deceive thousands! What care I who lie in the lash? Dissimulation What, Fraud, well met! Whither travelest thou this way? Fraud To London, to get entertainment there, if I may, Of the three ladies, Lucre, Love, and Conscience. What care I to serve the Devil, so I may get pence? Simplicity Oh, Fraud, I know thee for a deceitful knave, And art thou gotten so boniacion and brave? I knew thee when thou dwelt at a place called Gravesend, And the guests knew thee too, because thou wast not their friend, For when thou wouldst bring reckoning to thy guests, Thou wouldst say twice so much, and swear it cost thy dame no less. So thou didst deceive them, and thy dame too, And because they spied thy knavery, away thou didst go. Then thou didst go into Hertfordshire to a place called Ware, And because horses stood at hay for a penny a night there, So that thou couldst get nothing that kind of way, Thou didst grease the horses’ teeth, that they should not eat hay, And wouldst tell the rider his horse no hay would eat, So the man would say, Give him some other kind of meat. Sir, shall I give him oats, vetches, peas, barley, or bread? But whate’er thou gav’st him, thou stol’st three-quarters when he was in bed. And now thou art so proud with thy filching and cozening art, But I think one day thou wilt be proud of the rope and the cart. Take a wise fellow’s counsel, Fraud, leave thy cozening and filching. Fraud Thou whoreson rascal swad, avaunt! I’ll bang thee for the brawling. How darest thou defame a gentleman that hath so large a living! Simplicity A goodly gentleman ostler? To audience I think none of you all believe him. Fraud What a clinchpoop drudge is this? I can forbear him no more. Let Fraud make as though he would strike him, but see Dissimulation step between them. Dissimulation My good friend Fraud, refrain, and care not therefore, ’Tis Simplicity, that patch, he knoweth not good from bad, And if you were to stand in contention with him, I would think you were mad. But tell me, Fraud, tell me, hast thou been an ostler in thy days? Fraud Faith, I have proved a hundred such ways. For when I could not thrive by all other trades, I became a squire to wait upon jades. But then was then, and now is now, so let that pass. I am as thou seest me. What care I the devil what I was. Dissimulation You say you go to London? In faith, have with you, then. Simplicity Nay, come and go with me, good honest man. For if thou go with him, he will teach thee all his knavery, There is none will go with him that hath any honesty. A bots on thy motley beard! I know thee, thou art Dissimulation! And hast thou got an honest man’s coat to ’semble this fashion? I’ll tell thee what, thou wilt even ’semble and cog with thine own father. A couple of false knaves together, a thief and broker. Yet dost nothing but cog, lie, and foist with hypocrisy. You shall be hanged together, and go alone together for me! Thou makst townsfolk believe thou art an honest man in the country. For if I should go too, the folks would say, we were knaves all three. Enter Simony and Usury, hand in hand. Simony Friend Usury, I think we are well-near at our journey’s end. But knowest thou whom I have espied? Usury No. Simony Fraud, our great friend! Usury And I see another that is now come into my remembrance. Simony Who is that? Usury Marry, Master Davy Dissimulation, a good helper and our old acquaintance. Simplicity Now all the cards in the stock are dealt about, The four knaves in a cluster come ruffling out. Simony What, Fraud and Dissimulation, happily found out! I marvel, what piece of work do you two go about? Fraud Faith, sir, we met by chance, and towards London are bent. Usury And to London we hie; it is our chiefest intent To see if we can get entertainment of the ladies or no. Dissimulation And for the selfsame matter even thither we go. Simony Then we are luckily well met, and, seeing we wish all for one thing, I would we our wills an wishing might win. Simplicity Yes they will be sure to win, the devil and all, Or else they’ll make a man to spew out his gall. To the audience Oh, that vile Usury, he lent my father a little money, and, for breaking one day, He took the fee-simple of his house and mill quite away. And yet he borrowed not half a quarter so much as it cost, But I think if it had been but a shilling it had been lost. So he killed my father with sorrow, and undid me quite; An you deal with him, sirs, you shall find him a knave full of spite. And Simon-ay, per se, ay, Simony too, he is a knave for the nonce, He loves to have twenty livings at once: An if he let an honest man as I am to have one, He’ll let it so dear that he shall be undone. And he seeks to get parsons’ livings into his hand, And puts in some odd dunce that to his payment will stand; So, if the parsonage be worth forty or fifty pound a year, He will give one twenty nobles to mumble service once a month there. Simony and Usury What rascal is he that speaks by us such villainy? Dissimulation Sirs, he was at us erewhile too. It is no matter: it is a simple soul called Simplicity, Enter Love and Conscience. But here come two of the ladies. Therefore make ready. Fraud But which of us all shall first break the matter? Dissimulation Marry, let Simony do it, for he finely can flatter. Usury Nay, sirs, because none of us shall have pre-eminence above other, We will sing in fellowship together like brother and brother. Simony Of troth agreed, my masters, let it be so. Simplicity Nay, an they sing, I’ll sing too. The Song. Dissimulation, Usury, Fraud, Simony, and Simplicity Good ladies, take pity, and grant our desire. Conscience reply Speak boldly and tell me what is’t you require. Dissimulation, Usury, Fraud, Simony, and Simplicity Their reply Your service, good ladies, is that we do crave. Conscience Her reply We like not nor list not such servants to have. Dissimulation, Usury, Fraud, Simony, and Simplicity Their reply If you entertain us, we trusty will be, But if you refrain us, then most unhappy. We will come, we will run, we will bend at your beck. We will ply, we will hie, for fear of a check. Conscience Her reply You do feign, you do flatter, you do lie, you do prate.You will steal, you will rob, you will kill in your hate. I deny you, I defy you, then cease off your talking, I refrain you, I disdain you! Therefore get you walking. End of the Song Conscience What Fraud, Dissimulation, Usury, and Simony, How dare you for shame presume so boldly. As once to show yourselves before Love and Conscience, Not yielding your lewd lives first to repentance? Think you not that God will plague your wicked practices, If you intend not to amend your lives so far amiss? Think you not God knows your thoughts, words, and works, And what secret mischiefs in your hearts there lurk? Then how dare you offend his heavenly majesty, With your dissembling deceit, your flattery, and your usury? Fraud Tut, sirs, seeing Lady Conscience is so scrupulous, I will not speak to her, for I see it is frivolous. turning to Love But what say you, Lady Love, will you grant us favor? Love I’ll no such servants so ill of behavior, Servants more fitter for Lucre than Love; And happy are they which refrain for to prove Shameless, pitiless, graceless, and quite past honesty. Then who of good conscience but will hate your company? Usury Here is scrupulous Conscience and nice Love indeed, Tush, if they will not, others will! I know we shall speed. Simplicity But, lady, I stand still behind, for I am none of their company, Conscience Why, what art thou? Oh, I know, thou art Simplicity. Simplicity Ay, faith, I am Simplicity, and would fain serve ye. Conscience No, I may have no fools to dwell with me. Simplicity Why, then, Lady Love, will you have me then? Love Yes, Simplicity, thou shalt be my man. Simplicity But shall I be your goodman? Love Yea, my good man, indeed. Simplicity Ay, but I would be your goodman, and swap up a wedding with speed. Love No, Love may not marry in any case with Simplicity. But if thou wilt serve me, I’ll receive it willingly, And if thou wilt not, what remedy? Simplicity Yes, I’ll serve ye, but will you go in to dinner, for I am hungry? Love Come, Lady Conscience, will you walk home from this company? Conscience With right good will, for their sights likes not me. Exeunt Love and Conscience. Simplicity Fraud is the clubbish knave, and Usury the hard-hearted knave, And Simony the diamond-dainty knave, And Dissimulation the spiteful knave of spade. Come there any mo’ knaves, come there any mo’? I see four knaves stand on a row. Let Fraud run at him, and let Simplicity run in, and come out again straight. Fraud Away, drudge! Be gone quickly. Simplicity Iwis, do’e thrust out mine eyes with a lady? Exit Simplicity. Usury Did you ever see gentleman so rated at before? But it skills not. I hope one day to turn them both out at door. Simony We were arrantly flouted, railed at, and scoffed in our kind. That same Conscience is a vile terror to man’s mind. Yet faith, I care not, for I have borne many more than these, When I was conversant with the clergy beyond the seas, And he that will live in this world must not care what such say, For they are blossoms blown down, not to be found after May. Fraud Faith, care that care will, for I care not a point! I have shifted hitherto, and whilst I live I will jeopard a joint, And at my death I will leave my inheritor behind That shall be of the right stamp to follow my mind. Therefore let them prate till their hearts ache and spit out their evil. She cannot quail me if she came in likeness of the great devil. Dissimulation Mass, Fraud, thou hast a doughty heart to make a hangman of, For thou hast good skill to help men from the coff, But we were arrantly flouted — yet I thought she had not known me, But I perceive, though Dissimulation do disguise him, Conscience can see. What though Conscience perceive it? All the world cannot beside! Tush, there be a thousand places where we ourselves may provide. But look, sirs, here cometh a lusty lady towards us in haste; But speak to her, if you will, that we may be all placed. Enter Lady Lucre. Usury I pray thee do, for thou art the likeliest to speed. Dissimulation Why then I’ll to it with a stomach in hope of good speed. to Lucre Fair lady, all the gods of good fellowship kiss ye—I would say bless ye. Lucre Thou art very pleasant and full of thy rope-ripe—I would say rhetoric. Dissimulation Lady you took me at the worst; I beseech you, therefore, To pardon my boldness, offending no more. Lucre We do — the matter is not great — but what wouldst thou have? How shall I call thee, and what is’t thou doest crave? Dissimulation I am called Dissimulation, and my earnest request Is to crave entertainment for me and the rest, Whose names are Fraud, Usury, and Simony, Great carers for your health, wealth, and prosperity. Lucre Fraud, Dissimulation, Usury, and Simony, Now truly I thank you for proffering your service to me. You are all heartily welcome, and I will appoint straightway Where each one in his office in great honor shall stay. But, Usury, didst thou never know my grandmother, the old Lady Lucre of Venice? Usury Yes, madam, I was servant unto her, and lived there in bliss. Lucre But why camest thou into England, seeing Venice is a city Where Usury by Lucre may live in great glory? Usury I have often heard your good grandmother tell, That she had in England a daughter which her far did excel, And that England was such a place for Lucre to bide, As was not in Europe and the whole world beside. Then lusting greatly to see you and the country, she being dead, I made haste to come over to serve you in her stead. Lucre Gramercy, Usury, and doubt not but to live here as pleasantly And pleasanter too. But whence came you, Simony? Tell me. Simony My birth, nursery, and bringing up hitherto hath been in Rome, that ancient religious city. On a time, the monks and friars made a banquet, whereto they invited me With certain other English merchants, which belike were of their familiarity. So, talking of many matters, amongst others one began to debate Of the abundant substance still brought to that state. Some said the increase of their substance and wealth Came from other princes, and was brought thither by stealth. But the friars and monks, with all the ancient company, Said that it first came and is now upholden by me, Simony, Which the Englishmen gave ear to; then, they flattered a little too much, As English merchants can do for advantage when increase it doth touch. And being a-shipboard, merry and overcome with drink on a day, The wind served, they hoist sail, and so brought me away, And landing here I heard in what great estimation you were, Made bold to your honor to make my repair. Lucre Well, Simony, I thank thee, but as for Fraud and Dissimulation, I know their long continuance and after what fashion. Therefore, Dissimulation, you shall be my steward, An office that every man’s case by you must be preferred. And you, Fraud, shall be my rent-gatherer, my letter of leases, and my purchaser of land, So that many old bribes will come to thy hand. And, Usury, because I know you be trusty, you shall be my secretary, To deal amongst merchants, to bargain and exchange money. And, Simony, because you are a sly fellow, and have your tongue liberal, We will place you over such matters as are ecclesiastical. And though we appoint sundry offices where now ye are in, Yet jointly we mean to use you together oft-times in one thing. Fraud, Dissimulation, Simony, Usury Lady, we rest at your command in aught we can or may. Lucre Then, Master Davy, to my palace haste thee away, And will Crafty Conveyance, my butler, to make ready The best fare in the house to welcome thee and thy company. But stay, Dissimulation, myself will go with thee. Gentlemen, I’ll go before, but see, in any case, So soon as ye please, resort to my place. Simony Doubt not, fair lady, we will not long absent be. Exeunt Dissimulation and Lucre; exit Fraud separately. Usury Fellow Simony, this fell out pat, so well as heart could wish. We are cunning anglers; we have caught the fattest fish. Certainly it is true that her grandmother told: Here is good to be done by use of silver and gold. And seeing we are so well settled in this country, Rich and poor shall be pinched whosoever come to me. Simony Sirrah, being at Rome, and dwelling in the friary, They would talk how England yearly sent over a great mass of money, And that this little island was more worth to the pope Than three bigger realms that had a great deal more scope. For here were smoke-pence, Peter pence, and poll pence to be paid, Besides much other money that to the pope’s use was made. Why, it is but lately since the pope received this fine, Not much more than thirty-three years since – it was in Queen Mary’s time. But England had never known what this gear had meant, Had Friar Austin from the pope not hither been sent. For the pope, hearing it to be a little island, sent him with a great army over, And, winning the victory, he landed about Rye, Sandwich, or Dover. Then he erected laws having the people in subjection, And for the most part, England hath paid tribute so long. I, hearing of the great store and wealth in the country, Could not choose but persuade myself the people loved Simony. Usury But stay your talk till some other time; we forget my lady. Simony Of troth you say true, for she bade us make haste, But my talk methought savored well, and had a good taste. Exeunt ambo.
Scene 3 Video Sc. 3 Enter Mercadorus like an Italian merchant. Mercadorus Me judge in my mind-a dat me be not very far From de place where dwells my Lady Lucar. But here come un-e shentleman-a, so he do. Enter Dissimulation. Mercadorus Pray ye heartily, signore, let-a me speak-a you, Pray ye, do ye know un shentleman dat Meshier Davy do call? Dissimulation Yes, sir, myself am he, and what would you withal? Mercadorus Good-a my friend Meshier Davy, help-a me, pray ye heartily, For have-a some acquaintance-a with Madonna Lucre, your lady. Dissimulation Sir, upon condition, I will; therefore I would you should know That on me and my fellows you must largely bestow — Whose names are Fraud, Usury, and Simony, men of great credit and calling — And to get my lady’s goodwill and theirs it is no small thing. But tell me — can you be content to win Lucre by Dissimulation? Mercadorus Ay, good-a my friend, ax-a me no shush a question, For he dat will live in de world must be of the world sure, And de world will love his own, so long as the world endure. Enter Lucre. Dissimulation I commend your wit, sir, but here comes my lady. Mercadorus Come hidder, here’s two, tree crowns for de speak me. Dissimulation Well, sir, I thank you; I will go speak for you. Lucre Master Davy Dissimulation, what new acquaintance have ye gotten there? Dissimulation Such a one, madam, that unto your state hath great care. And surely in my mind the gentleman is worthy To be well thought on for his liberality, bounty, and great care to seek ye. Lucre Gentleman, you are heartily welcome. How are you called? I pray you, tell us. Mercadorus Madonna, me be a mershant and be called Signor Mercadorus. Lucre But I pray you tell me what countryman? Mercadorus Me be, madonna, an Italian. Lucre Yet let me trouble ye, I beseech ye, whence came ye? Mercadorus For salva vostra buona grazia, me come from Turkey. Lucre Gramercy. But, Signor Mercadore, dare you not undertake Secretly to convey good commodities out of this country for my sake? Mercadorus Madonna, me do for love of you tink no pain too mush, And to do anyting for you me will not grush. Me will a forsake-a my fader, moder, king, country, and more den dat; Me will lie and forswear myself for a quarter so much as my hat. What is dat for love of Lucre me dare or will not do? Me care not for all the world, the great Devil, nay make my God angry for you. Lucre You say well, Mercadorus, yet Lucre by this is not thoroughly won. But give ear and I will show what by thee must be done. Thou must carry over wheat, peas, barley, oats, and vetches, and all kind of grain, Which is well sold beyond sea, and brings such merchants great gain. Then thou must carry beside leather, tallow, beef, bacon, bell-metal, and everything. And for these good commodities, trifles into England thou must bring, As bugles to make baubles, colored bones, glass beads to make bracelets withal, For every day gentlewomen of England do ask for such trifles from stall to stall, And you must bring more, as amber, jet, coral, crystal, and every such bauble That is slight, pretty, and pleasant; they care not to have it profitable. And if they demand wherefore your wares and merchandize agree, You must say jet will take up a straw, amber will make one fat, Coral will look pale when you be sick, and crystal will staunch blood. So with lying, flattering, and glozing you must utter your ware, And you shall win me to your will, if you can deceitfully swear. Mercadorus Tink ye not dat me have carried over corn, ledar, beef, and bacon too all tis while? And brought hedar many baubles dese countrymen to beguile? Yes, shall me tell you, madonna, me and my countrymans have sent over Bell-metal for make ordnance, yea, and ordnance itself beside, Dat my country and other countries be so well furnished as dis country, and has never been spied. Lucre Now I perceive you love me, and if you continue in this still, You shall not only be with me, but command me when and where you will. Mercadorus Lady, for to do all dis and more for you me be content, But I tink some scall knave will put a bill in da Parliament, For dat such a tings shall not be brought here. Lucre Tush, Mercadore, I warrant thee, thou needest not to fear. What an one do? There is some other will flatter and say They do no hurt to the country, and with a sleight, fetch that bill away. And if they do not so, that by act of parliament it be passed, I know you merchants have many a sleight and subtle cast, So that you will by stealth bring over great store, And say it was in the realm a long time before. For being so many of these trifles here as there is at this day, You may increase them at pleasure, when you send oversea, And do but give the searcher an odd bribe in his hand, I warrant you, he will let you ’scape roundly with such things in and out the land. But, Signor Mercadore, I pray you, walk in with me, And as I find you kind to me, so will I favor ye. Mercadorus Me tank my good lady. But Master Dissimulation, here is for Your fellows, Fraud, Usury, and Simony, Giving bags of money. and say me give it dem. Exeunt Lucre and Mercadorus. Dissimulation Ay, marry, sir, these bribes have welcome been. Good faith, I perceive Dissimulation, Fraud, Simony, and Usury shall live In spite of Love and Conscience, though their hearts it doth grieve. To the audienceMass, masters, he that cannot lie, cog, dissemble, and flatter nowadays Is not worthy to live in the world, nor in the court to have praise. Enter Artifex, an artificer. Artifex I beseech you, good Master Dissimulation, befriend a poor man To serve Lady Lucre, and sure, sir, I’ll consider hereafter if I can. Dissimulation What, consider me? Dost thou think that I am a bribe-taker? Faith, it lies not in me to further thy matter. Artifex Good Master Dissimulation, help me, I am almost quite undone, But yet my living hitherto with Conscience I have won, But my true working, my early rising, and my late going to bed Is scant able to find myself, wife, and children dry bread. For there be such a sort of strangers in this country That work fine to please the eye, though it be deceitfully. And that which is slight and seems to the eye well Shall sooner than a piece of good work be proffered to sell, An our Englishmen be grown so foolish and nice, That they will not give a penny above the ordinary price. Dissimulation Faith, I cannot help thee; ’tis my fellow Fraud must pleasure thee. Here comes my fellow Fraud. Speak to him, and I’ll do what I can. Enter Fraud. Artifex I beseech you, be good unto me, right honest gentleman. Fraud Why and whereto? What wouldst thou have me do? Artifex That my estate you will so much prefer As to get me to be a workman to Lady Lucre. And, sir, I doubt not but to please you so well for your pain, That you shall think very well of me, if I in her service remain. Dissimulation Good fellow Fraud, do so much, for I see he is very willing to live, And some piece of work to thee for thy pains he will give. Fraud Well, upon that condition, I will, but I care not so much for his gifts, As that he will by my name declare how he came by his great thrifts, And that he will set out in every kind of thing That Fraud is a good husband and great profit doth bring. Therefore the next piece of work that thou dost make, Let me see how deceitful thou wilt do it for my sake. Artifex Yes, sir. I will, sir, of that be you sure. I’ll honor your name while life doth endure. Dissimulation Fellow Fraud, here comes a citizen, as I deem. Fraud Nay, rather a lawyer, or some pettifogger he doth seem. Enter a Lawyer. Lawyer Gentlemen, my earnest suit is to desire ye That unto your lady’s service you would help me, For I am an attorney of the law and pleader at the bar, And have a great desire to plead for Lady Lucre. I have been earnest, sir, as is needful in such a case, For fear another come before me and obtain my place. I have pleaded for Love and Conscience till I was weary; I had many clients and many matters that made my purse light and my heart heavy. Therefore let them plead for Conscience that list, for me; I’ll plead no more for such as bring nothing but beggary. Dissimulation Sir, upon this condition: that you’ll keep men in law Ten or twelve years for matters not worth a straw, And that you will make an ill matter seem good and firmable indeed. Faith, I am content for my part that you shall speed. Fraud Nay, fellow, thou knowest that Simony and Usury hath an ill matter in law at this time. Now if thou canst handle the matter so subtle and fine As to plead that ill matter good and firmable at the bar, Then thou shalt show thyself worthy to win Lady Lucre. Therefore tell me if you can and will do it or no. If you do it, be sure to get my lady’s goodwill ere you go. Dissimulation By my honesty, well remembered, I had quite forgot; ’Tis about that a fortnight ago fell out the matter, I wot. Lawyer Tush, sir, I can make black white and white black again, Tut, he that will be a lawyer must have a thousand ways to feign, And many times we lawyers do one befriend another, And let good matters slip. Tut, we agree like brother and brother. Why, sir, what shall let us to wrest and turn the law as we list, Seeing we have them printed in the palms of our fist? Therefore doubt you not, but make bold report That I can and will plead their ill cause in good kind of sort. Fraud Of troth, how likest thou this fellow, Dissimulation? Dissimulation Marry, I like him well: he is a cunning clerk, and one of our profession. But come, sir, go with us and we will prefer you. Artifex Good Master Fraud, remember me. Fraud Leave thy prating! I will, I tell thee. Artifex Good Master Dissimulation, think on me, Dissimulation Thou art too importunate and greedy. Fraud Come after dinner, or some other time when we are at leisure. Exeunt Dissimulation, Fraud, and Lawyer. Artifex Come after dinner, or some other time indeed! For full little do they think of a poor man’s need. These fellows will do nothing for pity and love, And thrice happy are they that hath no need them to prove. God, he knows the world is grown to such a stay That men must use Fraud and Dissimulation too, or beg by the way. Therefore I’ll do as the most doeth, the fewest shall laugh me to scorn, And be a fellow amongst goodfellows to hold, by Saint Luke’s horn! Exit.
Scene 4 Video Sc. 4 Enter Simplicity and Sincerity Sincerity Good Cousin Simplicity, do something for me. Simplicity Yes, faith, Cousin Sincerity, I’ll do anything for thee! What wouldst thou have me do for thee, canst tell that? Mass, I cannot tell what shouldst do for me, except thou wouldst give me a new hat. Sincerity Alas, I am not able to give thee a new. Simplicity Why, then, I marvel how thou dost do. Dost thou get thy living amongst beggars from door to door? Indeed, Cousin Sincerity, I thought thou wast not so poor. Sincerity Nay, Cousin Simplicity, I got my living hardly, but yet I hope just, And with good conscience too, although I am restrainèd from my lust. But this it is, Cousin Simplicity, I would request you do for me: Which is, to get Lady Love’s and Lady Conscience’s hand to a letter, That by their means I may get some benefice to make me live the better. Simplicity Yes I’ll do so much for thee, cousin, but hast thou any here? Sincerity Ay, behold, Pulling out written letters they are ready drawn, if a-signed they were. Let Simplicity make as though he read it, and look quite over. Meanwhile let Conscience enter. Simplicity Let me see, cousin, for I can read. Mass, ’tis bravely done! Didst thou it indeed? Mistress Conscience, I have a matter to bequest you to. Conscience What is’t? I doubt not but ’tis some wise thing if it be for you. Simplicity Marry, my Cousin Sincerity wad besire to scribe these papers here That he may get some preferment, but I know not where. Conscience Be these your letters? What would you have me do, and how shall I call ye? Sincerity Lady, my name is Sincerity. Conscience And from whence came ye? Sincerity I came from Oxford, but in Cambridge I studied late; Having nothing, thought good, if I could, to make better my state. But if I had, instead of divinity, the law, astronomy, astrology, Physiognomy, palmistry, arithmetic, logic, music, physic, or any such thing, I had not doubted then but to have had some better living. But divines that preach the word of God sincerely and truly Are in these days little or nothing set by. God grant the good preachers be not taken away for our unthankfulness. There was never more preaching and less following; the people live so amiss. But what is he that may not on the Sabbath day attend to hear God’s word? But we will rather run to bowls, sit at the alehouse, than one hour afford, Telling a tale of Robin Hood, sitting at cards, playing at kettles, or some other vain thing, That I fear God’s vengeance on your head it will bring. God grant amendment. But, Lady Conscience, I pray, In my behalf unto Lucre do what ye may. Simplicity Mass, my cousin can say his book well. I had not thought it. He’s worthy to have a benefice, and it will hit. Conscience God be blessed, Sincerity, for the good comfort I have of thee. I would it lay in us to pleasure such, believe me. We will do what we can, but ultra posse non est esse, you know. It is Lucre that hath brought us poor souls so low. For we have sold our house, we are brought so poor, And fear by her shortly to be shut out of door. Yet to subscribe our name we will with all our heart. Perchance for our sake some thing she will impart. Come hither, Simplicity, let me write on thy back. Simplicity Here is the right picture of that fellow that sits in the corner. Enter Hospitality while she is a-writing. Hospitality Lady, methinks you are busy. Conscience I have done, sir. I was setting my hand to a letter to Lucre for our friend Sincerity, But I would Lady Love were here too. Hospitality She is at home with me. But, if it please you, so much in her behalf I’ll do. Conscience I pray you heartily, and it shall suffice the turn well enow. Good Simplicity, once more thy body do bow. Simplicity I think you’ll make me serve to be a washing-block for you. I would do it for you, but am afraid yonder boy will mock me. Hospitality Signing letters No, I’ll warrant thee. Conscience Here, take thy letters, Sincerity, and prosperous be they to thee. Sincerity I yield you most hearty thanks, my good lady. Hospitality Lady Conscience, pleaseth it you to walk home and dine with me? Conscience Thanks, my good friend Hospitality. But tell me, sir, have you invited to dinner any strangers? Hospitality No, sure, none but Lady Love, and three or four honest neighbors. Simplicity Mass, my lady is gotten to dinner already. I believe she rose at ten of clock; she is so hungry. What if I should come to dinner – is there any good cheer? Hospitality There’s bread and beer, one joint of meat, and welcome thy best fare. Simplicity Why art thou called Hospitality, and hast no better cheer than that? Faith, an thou hast no more meat for so many, they’ll ne’er be fat. What if my cousin – nay, myself alone – to dinner should come? Where should my lady and the rest dine? For I would eat up every crumb. Thou art an old miser — dost thou keep no better fare in thy house? Hast no great bag pudding, nor hog’s face, that is called souse? Hospitality My friend, hospitality doth not consist in great fare and banqueting, But in doing good unto the poor, and to yield them some refreshing. Therefore, if thou and Sincerity will come and take part, Such as there is I’ll give you with a free and willing heart. Exeunt Hospitality and Conscience. Simplicity He speaks well, cousin; let’s go to dinner with him. The old man shall not think but we will pleasure him. Faith, he might have richer fellows to take his part, But he shall never have better eating fellows if he would swelt his heart. Here be they that will eat with the proudest of them. For my mother said I could eat as much as five men. Nay, I am sure the gift of eating is given to me,For our maids would never believe I put all the meat in my belly. But yonder comes a knave, my Lady Lucre’s cogging man. Give me your letters, cousin, I’ll prefer you if I can. Enter Dissimulation. Sincerity Dissimulation! Out upon him – he shall be no spokeman for me Simplicity Why then you are a fool, Cousin Sincerity, Give me ’em, then, for I know he’ll do it for me. Sincerity Seeing thou wilt have it, here, Giving Simplicity the letters receive it, but it grieves my heart That this dissembling wretch should speak on my part. Simplicity Hear ye, sir, I would request to ’liver this letter To your good, wholesome mistress, Lady Lucre. Dissimulation Where hadst thou it, tell me? Simplicity Marry, of my Cousin Sincerity. Dissimulation Why, I have nothing to do in it; ’tis not to me thou should come. I have naught to do with Sincerity’s matters; ’tis my fellow Simony’s room. Sincerity Thou art a kin to the lawyer; thou wilt do nothing without a fee, But thou, Fraud, Usury, nor yet Simony shall have nothing of me. And thou wilt do it, do it; and thou wilt not, choose. Both thee and their dealing I hate and refuse. Dissimulation Why, and I am not bound to thee so far as knave go, And therefore, in despite of thee and thy cousin, Throwing down letters there thy letters be. What, thinkst thou by captious words to make me do it? Let them deliver your letters that hath a stomach to it. Simplicity Faith, cousin, he’s such a testern and semblation knave, That he’ll do nothing ’less some bribery he have. There’s a great many such promoting knaves that gets their living With nothing else but facing, lying, swearing, and flattering. Why, he has a face like a black dog, and blusheth like the backside of a chimney. ’Twas not for nothing thy godfathers a cogging name gave thee. Enter Lady Lucre. Simplicity But here comes his mistress, Lady Lucre. Now, cousin, I’ll ’liver your letter. Mistress Lady Lucre, here’s a letter for ye. He holds out the letter. Lucre Hast thou a letter for me? She accepts the letter and opens it. Simplicity Yes, by Saint Mary. How say you, cousin? She reads your letter. An you can flatter, perhaps you shall speed better. Sincerity Thou speakst the truth, Simplicity, for flatterers nowadays, Live gentlemen-like, and with prating get praise. Lucre Sir, I have read the tenor of your letter, wherein I find That at the request of Love and Conscience I should show myself kind, And bestow some spiritual living on you, parsonage or benefice, For you stand greatly in need, as appears by this. And, trust me, I would do for you, but it lies not in me, For all such matters are referred to my servant, Simony. You must speak to him, and if you can get his goodwill, Then be sure of mine, their minds to fulfil. Sincerity Lady, I shall never get his goodwill, for want of ability, For he will do nothing except one bring money, And if you grant it not, then it is past all doubt; I shall be never the nearer, but go quite without. Dissimulation Madam, I’ll tell you what you may give, Not hurting yourself, whereby he may live, And without my fellow Simony’s consent, If to follow my mind you are any whit bent. Lucre Pray thee, what is it? For thou knowest while for their house I am bargaining, An it be never so little, I must seem to do something. Dissimulation Why, have not you the parsonage of Saint Nihil to bestow? If you give him that, Simony shall never know. Lucre Thou sayest true indeed. Motioning to Sincerity Draw near, Sincerity. Lo, for their sakes I will bestow frankly on thee. The parsonage of Saint Nihil I’ll give thee to pleasure them withal, And such another to it, if thou watch till it fall. Simplicity To Lucre My lady axes you when you will take possession of your house, and lend the rest of the money. Lucre What, are they so hasty? Belike they spent it merrily. Simplicity Faith, no, for they would eat it if they could get it when they are a-hungry. (Speaking to Sincerity) But you may be happy, for you have sped well to day. You may thank God and good company that you came this way. The parsonage of Saint Michael’s; by’r lady, if you have nothing else, You shall be sure of a living, beside a good ring of bells. Cousin, I’ll tell thee what thou shalt do: sell the bells and make money! Sincerity Thou mayest well be Simplicity for thou showest thy folly. I have a parsonage, but of what? Of Saint Nihil, and Nihil is nothing. Then where is the church, or any bells for to ring? Thou understandest her not; she was set for to flout. I thought coming in their names I should go without. ’Tis easy to see that Lucre loves not Love and Conscience, But God, I trust, will one day yield her just recompense. Simplicity Cousin, you said that something to me you would give, When you had gotten preferment of Lucre to live, And I trust you will remember your poor cousin Simplicity – You know to Lady Conscience and e’rybody I did speak for you. Sincerity Good Simplicity, hold thy peace; my state is yet naught. I will help thee, sure, if ever I get aught. But here comes Sir Nicholas Nemo – to him I will go And see if for their sakes he will anything bestow. Enter Sir Nicholas Nemo. Nicholas Nemo You come from Love and Conscience, as seemeth me here, My special good friends, whom I account of most dear. And you are called Sincerity, your state shows the same; You are welcome to me for their sakes, and for your own name. And for their sakes you shall see what I will do for you, Without Dissimulation, Fraud, Usury, or Simony, For they will do nothing without some kind of gain; Such cankered corruption in their hearts doth remain. But come in to dinner with me, and when you have dined, You shall have — Presently go out. Sincerity You shall have — but what? A living that is blown down with the wind. Simplicity Now, cousin, dismember your friends, seeing two livings you have: One that this man promised and another that Lady Lucre gave. Mass, you’ll be a jolly man an you had three or four more — Let’s beg apace, cousin, and we shall get us great store. Do thou get some more letters, and I’ll get them scribed of Mistresses Love and Conscience, And we’ll go beg livings together. We’ll beg no small pence. How sayest thou, cousin? Wut do so mich? If we can speak fair, and ’semble, we shall be plaguey rich. Sincerity Good Simplicity, content thee — I am never the better for this, But of force must leave off, seeing how vain it is. Nor boots it Sincerity to look for relief. So few regard that to me is a grief. This was Nicholas Nemo, and no man hath no place. Then how can I speed well in this kind of case? And no man bid me to dinner — when shall I dine? Or how shall I find him, where, when, and at what time? Wherefore the relief had, and to be had, is small. But to speak truth, the relief is nothing at all. But come, Simplicity, let us go see what may be had. Sincerity in these days was, sure, born to be sad. Simplicity Come, let’s go to dinner, cousin, for the gentleman, I think, hath almost dined. But if I get victuals enough, I’ll warrant you I’ll not be behind. Sincerity What if thou canst not get it, then how wilt thou eat? Simplicity Marry, on this fashion, He antomimes eating. with both hands at once, ye shall see when I get meat. Sincerity Why, his name was Nemo, and Nemo hath no being. Simplicity I believe, cousin, you be not hungry, that you stand prating. Faith, I’ll go do him a pleasure because he hath need. Why, an he’ll needs have meat eat, ’a shall see how I’ll feed. I believe he will not bid me come again to him. Mass an he do, ’a shall find a fellow that has his eating. Exeunt ambo.
Scene 5 Video Sc. 5 Enter Usury and Conscience. Usury Lady Conscience, is there anybody within your house, can you tell? Conscience There is nobody at all, be ye sure. I know certainly well. Usury You know when one comes to take possession of any piece of land, There must not be one within, for against the order of law it doth stand. Therefore I thought good to ask you, but, I pray you, think not amiss. For both you and almost all other knows that an old custom it is. Conscience You say truth. Take possession when you please – good leave have ye. Doubt you not, there is neither man, woman, nor child that will or shall hinder you. Usury Why then I will boldly enter. Exit. Conscience Who is more bold than Usury to venture? He maketh the matter dangerous where is no need at all, But he thinks it not perilous to seek every man’s fall. Both he and Lucre hath so pinched us, we know not what to do. Were it not for Hospitality, we knew not whither to go. Great is the misery that we poor ladies abide, And much more is the cruelty of Lucre and Usury beside. Oh, Conscience, thou art not accounted of; Oh, Love, thou art little set by. For almost everyone true love and pure conscience doth deny. So hath Lucre crept unto the bosom of man, woman, and child, That everyone doth practise his dear friend to beguile. But God grant Hospitality be not by them overpressed, In whom all our stay and chiefest comfort doth rest. But Usury hates Hospitality and cannot him abide, Because he for the poor and comfortless doth provide. Here he comes, that hath undone many an honest man, And daily seeks to destroy, deface, and bring to ruin if he can. — Now, sir, have you took possession as your dear lady willed you? Enter Usury. Usury I have done, and I think you have received your money, But this giving eviction notice to you: my lady willed me to bid you provide some other house out of hand, For she would not by her will have Love and Conscience to dwell on her land. Therefore, ’tis best to provide ye! So shall you save charges, for a lesser house may serve ye. Conscience I pray you heartily, let us stay there and we will be content To give you ten pound a year, which is the old rent. Usury Ten pound a year? That were a stale jest. If I should take the old rent, to follow your request, Nay, after forty pound a year you shall have it for a quarter. And you may think, too, you are befriended in this matter — But no longer than for a quarter to you I’ll set it, For my lady perhaps will sell it, or to some other will let it. Conscience Well, sith we are driven to this hard and bitter drift, We accept it, and are contented to make bare and hard shift. Usury Then get you gone, and see at a day your rent be ready. Conscience We must have patience, perforce, seeing there is no remedy. Exit Conscience. Usury What a fool was I to let it so reasonable? I might so well have had after threescore, as such a trifle, For seeing they were distressed they would have given largely. I was a right sot, but I’ll be overseen no more — believe me. Enter Mercadorus. Mercadorus Ah my good-a friend Master Usury, be my trot you be very well met. Me be mush beholding to you for your good will – me be in your debt. But-a me take-a your part so much against a scall shurl called Hospitality, Did speak against you, and says you bring good honest men to beggary. Usury I thank you, sir. Did he speak such evil of me as now you say? I doubt not but to reward him for his treachery one day. Mercadorus But, I pray, tell-a me how fare-a my lady all dis while? Usury Marry, well, sir, and here she comes, if myself I do not beguile. Enter Lucre. Lucre What, Signor Mercadore? I have not seen you this many a day. I marvel what is the cause you kept so long away. Mercadorus Shall me say to you, Madama, dat me have had such business for you in hand, For send away good commodities out of dis little country England. Me have now sent over brass, copper, pewter, and many odar ting, And for dat me shall ha’ for gentlewomans fine trifles, that great profit will bring. Lucre I perceive you have been mindful of me, for which I thank ye. But Usury, tell me, how have you sped in that you went about? Usury Indifferently, lady, you need not to doubt. I have taken possession, and because they were destitute, I have let it for a quarter, my tale to conclude. Marry, I have a little raised the rent, but it is but after forty pound by the year, But if it were to let now, I would let it more dear. Lucre Indeed it is but a trifle; it makes no matter. I force it not greatly, being but for a quarter. Mercadorus Madonna me-a tell you vat you shall do: let dem to stranger dat are content, To dwell in a little room, and pay mush rent. For you know da Frenchmans and Flemings in dis country be many, So dat they make shift to be ten houses in one very gladly. And be content-a for pay fifty or threescore pound a year, For dat which da Englishmans say twenty mark is too dear. Lucre Why Signor Mercadore, think you not that I Have infinite numbers in London that my want doth supply? Beside in Bristol, Northampton, Norwich, West Chester, Canterbury, Dover, Sandwich, Rye, Portsmouth, Plymouth, and many mo’. That great rents upon little room do bestow. Yes, I warrant you, and truly I may thank the strangers for this, That they have made houses so dear, whereby I live in bliss. But Signor Mercadore, dare you to travel undertake, And go amongst the Moors, Turks, and pagans for my sake? Mercadorus Madonna, me dare go to de Turks, Moors, pagans, and more, too. What do me care an me go to da great devil for you? Command-a me, madonna, and you sall see plain, Dat-a for your sake me refuse-a no pain. Lucre Then, Signor Mercadore, I am forthwith to send ye From hence, to search for some new toys in Barbary or in Turkey, Such trifles as you think will please wantons best, For you know in this country ’tis their chiefest request. Mercadorus Indeed, de gentlewomans here buy so mush vain toys, Dat me strangers laugh-a to tink wherein da have deir joys. Fait, madonna, me will search all da strange countries me can tell, But me will have sush tings dat please dese gentlewomans well. Lucre Why then let us provide things ready to haste you away. Mercadorus A vostro commandamento, madonna, me obey. Exeunt.
Scene 6 Video Sc. 6 Enter Simony, and Peter Pleaseman, like a priest. Simony Now proceed with thy tale and I’ll hear thee. Peter Pleaseman And so, sir, as I was about to tell you, This same Presco and this same Cracko be both my parishioners now; And, sir, they fell out marvelously about you. The same Cracko took your part, and said that the clergy Was maintained by you, and upholden very worshipfully. So, sir, Presco, he would not grant that in any case, But said that you did corrupt the clergy, and dishonor that holy place. Now, sir, I was weary to hear them at such great strife, For I love to please men so long as I have life. Therefore I beseech your mastership to speak to Lady Lucre, That I may be her chaplain, or else to serve her. Simony What is your name? Peter Pleaseman Sir Peter. Simony What more? Peter Pleaseman Forsooth, Pleaseman. Simony Then your name is Sir Peter Pleaseman? Peter Pleaseman Yea, forsooth. Simony And please woman too, now and then? Peter Pleaseman You know that homo is indifferent. Simony Now, surely, a good scholar in my judgment! I pray you, of what university were ye? Peter Pleaseman Of no university, truly. Marry, I have gone to school in a college, where I have studied two or three places of divinity, And all for Lady Lucre’s sake, sir – you may steadfastly believe me. Simony Nay, I believe ye, but of what religion are you, can ye tell? Peter Pleaseman Marry, sir, of all religions: I know not myself very well. Simony You are a Protestant now, and I think to that now will grant. Peter Pleaseman Indeed, I have been a Catholic. Marry, now for the most part a Protestant. But an if my service may please her, hark in your ear, sir, I warrant you my religion shall not offend her. Simony You say well, but if I help you to such great preferment, Would you be willing, for my pain, I shall have yearly half the gain? For it is reason, you know, that if I help you to a living, That you should unto me be somewhat beholding. Peter Pleaseman Yea, sir, and reason good, I’ll be as your mastership please; I care not what you do so I may live at ease. Simony Then this man is answered. Sir Peter Pleaseman, come with me, And I’ll prefer you straightway to my lady. Peter Pleaseman Oh, sir, I thank ye. Exeunt.
Scene 7 Video Sc. 7 Enter Simplicity with a basket on his arms. Simplicity To the audience You think I am going to market to buy roast meat, do ye not? But see how you are deceived – for well I wot, I am neither going to the butcher’s to buy mutton, veal, nor beef, But am going to a bloodsucker. And who is it? Faith, Usury, that thief. Why, sirs, ’twas no marckle he undoed my father, that was called Plain-Dealing, When he has undone my lady and Conscience too with his usuring. Trust him not, sirs, for he’ll flatter boniacion and sore, Till he has gotten the baker’s ’vantage – then he’ll turn you out of door. Enter Dissimulation. Dissimulation Simplicity, now of mine honesty, very heartily well met. Simplicity What, Semblation, swear not, for thou swearest by that thou couldst never get! Thou have honesty now? Thy honesty is quite gone. Marry, thou hadst honesty at eleven of clock, but it went from you ere noon. Why, how canst thou have honesty when it dare not come nigh thee? I warrant, Semblation, he that has less honesty than thou, may defy thee. Thou hast honesty, sir-reverence, come out, dog, where art thou? Even as much honesty as hath my mother’s great hoggish sow! No, faith, thou maist put out mine eye with honesty an thou hadst it here; Hast not left it at the alehouse in gage for a pot of strong beer? Dissimulation Pray thee, leave prating, Simplicity, and tell me what thou hast there? Simplicity Why, ’tis nothing for thee – thou dost not deal with such kind of ware. Sirrah, there is no beceit in a bag pudding, is there? Nor in a plain pudding pie? Sirrah, I’ll tell thee ... I will not tell thee ... and yet I’ll tell thee, now I ’member me, too. Canst tell, or wouldst know whither with this parliamentI go? Faith, even to Suck-swill, thy fellow Usury, I am sent With my Lady Love’s gown, and Lady Conscience’s , too, for a quarter rent. Dissimulation Alas, poor Lady Love, art thou driven so low? Some little pittance on thee I’ll bestow. Hold, Simplicity, carry her three or four ducats from me. And commend me to her even very heartily. Simplicity Duck eggs? Yes, I’ll carry them, and ’twere as many as this would hold. Dissimulation Tush, thou knowest not what I mean. Offering coins Take this; ’tis gold. Simplicity Mass, ’tis gold indeed. Why, wilt lend away thy gold? Hast thou no more need? I think thou art grown plaguey rich with thy dissembling trade, But I’ll carry my lady the gold, for this will make her well apaid. Dissimulation And sirrah, carry Lady Love’s gown back again, for my fellow Usury Shall not have her gown! I am sure so much he will befriend me. Simplicity But what shall Conscience’s gown do – shall I carry it back again? Dissimulation Nay, let Conscience’s gown and skin to Usury go. If nobody cared for Conscience more than I, They would hang her up like bacon in a chimney to dry. Simplicity Faith, I told thee thou caredst not for Conscience nor honesty; I think indeed it will never be the death of thee. But I’ll go conspatch my arrant so soon as I can tell ye, For now I ha’ gold, I would fain have some good meat in my belly. Exit. Dissimulation Nay, I’ll hie me after, that I may send back Lady Love’s gown. For I would not have Love bought quite out of town. Marry, for Conscience, tut, I care not two straws. Why I should take care for her,I know no kind of cause.
Scene 8 Video Sc. 8 Enter Hospitality. Hospitality Oh, what shall I say? Usury hath undone me, and now he hates me to the death, And seeks by all means possible for to bereave me of breath. I cannot rest in any place but he hunts and follows me everywhere, That I know no place to abide – I live so much in fear. But out, alas, here comes he that will shorten my days. Enter Usury. Usury Oh, have I caught your old gray beard? You be the man whom the people so praise; You are a frank gentleman and full of liberality. Why, who had all the praise in London or England but Master Hospitality? But I’ll master you now,I’ll hold you a groat. Hospitality What, will you kill me? Usury No, I’ll do nothing but cut thy throat. Hospitality Oh, help, help, help, for God’s sake! Enter Conscience running apace. Conscience What lamentable cry was that I heard one make? Hospitality Oh, Lady Conscience, now or never, help me! Conscience Why, what wilt thou do with him, Usury? Usury What will I do with him? Marry, cut his throat, and then no more. Conscience Oh, dost thou not remember that thou shalt dearly answer for Hospitality, that good member? Refrain it, therefore. Usury Refrain me no refraining, nor answer me no answering. The matter is answered well enough in this thing .. Conscience For God’s sake spare him! For country’s sake spare him! For pity’s sake spare him! For Love’s sake spare him! For Conscience’s sake forebear him! Usury Let country, pity, Love, Conscience, and all go in respect of myself. He shall die! Come, ye feeble wretch, I’ll dress ye like an elf. Conscience But yet, Usury, consider the lamentable cry of the poor. For lack of hospitality, fatherless children are turned out of door. Consider again the complaint of the sick, blind, and lame, That will cry unto the Lord for vengeance on thy head in his name. Is the fear of God so far from thee that thou hast no feeling at all? Oh, repent, Usury, leave Hospitality, and for mercy at the Lord’s hands call. Usury Leave prating, Conscience – thou canst not mollify my heart. He shall in despite of thee and all other feel his deadly smart. Yet I’ll not commit the murder openly, But hale the villain into a corner, and so kill him secretly. Come, ye miserable drudge, and receive thy death. Hale him in. Hospitality Help, good lady, help! He will stop my breath! Conscience Alas, I would help thee, but I have not the power. Hospitality Farewell, Lady Conscience. You shall have Hospitality in London nor England no more. Conscience Oh, help! Help! Help, some good body! Enter Dissimulation and Simplicity hastily. Dissimulation Who is that calls for help so hastily? Conscience Out, alas! Thy fellow Usury hath killed Hospitality! Simplicity Now? God’s blessing on his heart! Why, ’twas time he were dead. He was an old churl, with never a good tooth in his head. And he ne’er kept no good cheer that I could see; For if one had not come at dinner-time, he should have gone away hungry. I could never get my belly full of meat; He had nothing but beef, bread, and cheese for me to eat. Now I would have had some pies, or bag-puddings with great lumps of fat, But he did keep my mouth well enough from that. Faith, an he be dead, he is dead. Let him go to the devil an he will. Or if he will not go thither, let him even lie there still. I’ll ne’er make a lamentation for an old churl, For he has lived a great while, and now ’tis time that he were out of the world. Enter Lucre with Simony. Lucre What, Conscience, thou lookst like a poor pigeon pulled of late. Conscience What, Lucre, thou lookst like a whore full of deadly hate. Lucre Alas, Conscience, I am sorry for thee but cannot weep. Conscience Alas, Lucre, I am sorry for thee that thou canst no honesty keep. But such as thou art, such are thy attenders on thee, As appears by thy servant, Usury, that hath killed that good member Hospitality. Simplicity Faith, Hospitality is killed and hath made his will, And hath given Dissimulation three trees upon a high hill. Lucre Come hither, Dissimulation, and hie you hence so fast as you may, And help thy fellow Usury to convey himself out of the way. Further, will the justices, if they chance to see him, not to know him, Or, know him, not by any means to hinder him. And they shall command thrice so much at my hand. Go! Trudge, run, out, away! How, dost thou stand? Dissimulation Nay, good lady, send my fellow Simony, For I have an earnest suit to ye. Lucre Then Simony, go do what I have willed. Simony I run, madam. Your mind shall be fulfilled. Exit Simony. Conscience Well, well, Lucre, audio et taceo: I see and say nothing. But I fear the plague of God on thy head it will bring. Dissimulation Good lady, grant that Love be your waiting-maid. For I think being brought so low, she will be well apaid. Lucre Speakest thou in good earnest, or doest thou but dissemble? I know not how to have thee; thou art so variable. Dissimulation Lady, though my name be Dissimulation, yet I speak bona fide now. If it please you my petitions to allow. Enter Simony. Lucre Stand by, I’ll answer thee anon. Addressing Simony What news, Simony, Bringest thou of thy fellow Usury? Simony Marry, madam, good news, for Usury lies close, Hid in a rich man’s house, that will not let him loose Until they see the matter brought to a good end, For Usury in this country hath many a good friend. And late I saw Hospitality carried to burying. Lucre I pray thee, tell me, who were they that followed him? Simony There were many of the clergy, and many of the nobility, And many right worshipful rich citizens, Substantial, gracious, and very wealthy farmers. But to see how the poor followed him – it was a wonder. Never yet at any burial was seen such a number. Lucre But what say the people to the murder? Simony Many are sorry, and say ’tis great pity that he was slain, But who be they? The poor, beggarly people that so complain. As for the other, they say ’twas a cruel, bloody fact, But I perceive none will hinder the murderer for this cruel act. Lucre ’Tis well; I am glad of it. Now, Dissimulation, if thou canst get Love’s goodwill, I am contented with all my heart to grant thereun’til. Dissimulation Thanks to you, lady, and I doubt not but she, With a little entreaty, will thereto agree. Simplicity Now I have it in my breeches, and very well can tell, That I and my lady with Mistress Lucre shall dwell. But if I be her serving fellow, and dwell there, I must learn to cog, lie, foist, and swear; And surely I shall never learn. Marry, and ’twere to lie abed all day, To that kind of lying I should give a good say. Or if ’twere to eat one’s meat, then I knew what for to do. How say you, sirrah, can I not? I’ll be drudge by you. Lucre Now to you, little mouse, did I not tell you before That I should, ere ’twere long, turn you both out of door? How say you, pretty soul, is’t come to pass, yea or no? Methinks I have pulled your peacock’s plumes somewhat low. And yet you be so stout as though you felt no grief, But ere it be long, you will come puling to me for relief. Conscience Well, Lucre, well; you know pride will have a fall. What availeth it thee to win the world and lose thy soul withal? Yet better it is to live with little, and keep a conscience clear, Which is to God a sacrifice, and accounted of most dear. Lucre Nay, Conscience, an you be bookish, I’ll leave ye, And the cold ground to comfort your feet I’ll bequeath ye. Methinks you, being so deeply learned, may do well to keep a school. Why, I have seen so cunning a clerk in time to prove a fool. Exeunt Lucre and Simony. Simplicity Sirrah, if thou shouldst marry my lady, thou wouldst keep her brave, For methinks thou art a plaguey rich knave. Dissimulation Rich I am, but as for knave – keep to thyself. Come, give me my lady’s gown, thou ass-headed elf. Simplicity Why, I’ll go with thee, for I must dwell with my lady. Dissimulation Pack! Hence! Away, Jack Drum’s entertainment! She will none of thee. Exit Dissimulation Simplicity This is as my cousin and I went to Master Nemo’s house: There was no man to bid a dog drink, or to change a man a louse. But Lady Conscience – nay, who there? – scratch that name away. Can she be a lady that is turned out of all her array? Do not be called no more lady an if you be wise, For everybody will mock you, and say you be not worth two butterflies. Conscience What remedy, Simplicity? I cannot do withal. But what shall we go do? Or whereto shall we fall? Simplicity Why, to our victuals! What else have we to do? And mark if I cannot eat twenty times so much as you. Conscience If I go lie in an inn, it will grieve me to see The deceit of the ostler, the polling of the tapster, as in most houses of lodging they be. If in a brewer’s house, at the over-plenty of water and scarceness of malt, I should grieve, Whereby to enrich themselves, all other with unsavory thin drink they deceive. If in a tanner’s house, with his great deceit in tanning; If in a weaver’s house, with his great cozening in weaving; If in a baker’s house, with light bread, and very evil working; If in a chandler’s with deceitful weights, false measures, selling for a halfpenny that is scant worth a farthing. And if in an alehouse, with the great resort of poor unthrifts, that with swearing at the cards consume their lives, Having greater delight to spend a shilling that way than a groat at home to sustain their needy children and wives. For which I judge it best for me to get some solitary place Where I may with patience this my heavy cross embrace, And learn to sell broom, whereby to get my living, Using that as a quiet mean to keep myself from begging. Wherefore, Simplicity, if thou wilt do the like, Settle thyself to it, and with true labor thy living do seek. Exit Conscience. Simplicity No, faith, Mistress Conscience, I’ll not; for an I should sell broom, The maids would cozen me too competually with their old shoon. And, too, I cannot work, and you would hang me out of the way; For when I was a miller, Will did grind the meal while I did play. Therefore I’ll have as easy an occupation as I had when my father was alive. Faith, I’ll go even a-begging. Why, ’tis a good trade; a man shall be sure to thrive, For I am sure my prayers will get bread and cheese, and my singing will get me drink. Then shall not I do better than Mistress Conscience? Asking audience Tell me as you think. Therefore, god Pan in the kitchen and god Pot in the buttery, Come and resist me, that I may sing with the more meliosity. But, sirs, mark my cauled countenance when I begin. But yonder is a fellow that gapes to bite me, or else to eat that which I sing. Why, thou art a fool! Canst not thou keep thy mouth strait together? And when it comes, snap at it, as my father’s dog would do at a liver? But thou art so greedy, That thou thinkest to eat it before it come nigh thee. Simplicity sings. Simplicity sings, and ’sperience doth prove, No biding in London for Conscience and Love. The country hath no peer, Where Conscience comes not once a year, And Love so welcome to every town, As wind that blows the houses down. Sing down a-down, down, down, down. Simplicity sings it, and ’sperience doth prove, No dwelling in London, no biding in London, for Conscience and Love. Speaking Now, sirrah, hast eaten up my song? And ye have, ye shall eat no more to day, For everybody may see your belly is grown bigger with eating up our play. He has filled his belly, but I am never a whit the better, Therefore I’ll go seek some victuals; and ’member, for eating up my song you shall be my debtor. Exit.
Scene 9 Video Sc. 9 Enter Mercadorus, the merchant, and Gerontus, a Jew. Gerontus But Signor Mercadorus, tell me, did ye serve me well or no, That having gotten my money would seem the country to forgo? You know I lent you two thousand ducats for three months’ space, And ere the time came, you got another thousand by flattery and thy smooth face. So when the time came that I should have received my money, You were not to be found, but were fled out of the country. Surely if we that be Jews should deal so one with another, We should not be trusted again of our own brother. But many of you Christians make no conscience to falsify your faith and break your day. I should have been paid at three months’ end, and now it is two year you have been away. Well I am glad you be come again to Turkey. Now, I trust, I shall receive the interest of you so well as the principal. Mercadorus Ah, good-a Master Geronto, pray heartily, bear-a me a little while, And me shall pay ye all without any deceit or guile. Me have much business for buy pretty knacks to send to England. Good sir, bear-a me four, five days. Me’ll dispatch your money out of hand. Gerontus Signor Mercadore, I know no reason why, because you have dealt with me so ill. Sure you did it not for need, but of set purpose and will. And to bear with ye four or five days goes sore against my mind. Lest you should steal away, and forget to leave my money behind. Mercadorus Pray heartily, do tink no such ting, my good friend, a me. By me trot and fait, me’ll pay you all, every penny. Gerontus I’ll take your faith and troth once more, and trust to your honesty In hope that for my long tarrying you will deal well with me. Tell me, what good ware for England you do lack? Mercadorus Oh, no lack some pretty, fine toy, or some fantastic new knack. For da gentlewomans in England buy mush tings for fantasy. You pleasure-a me, sir, vat me mean-a dereby. Gerontus I understand you, sir, but keep touch with me and I’ll bring you to great store, Such as I know you came to this country for, As musk, amber, sweet powders, fine odors, pleasant perfumes, and many such toys, Wherein I perceive consisteth that country gentlewomen joys. Besides, I have diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, smaragdines, opals, onyxes, jacinths, agates, turquoise, and almost of all kind of precious stones, And many fit things to suck money from such green-headed wantons. Mercadorus Fait-a, me good friend, me tank you most heartily alway. Me shall-a content your debt within dis two or tree day. Gerontus Well, see you hold your promise, and another time you shall command me. Come, go we home, where our commodities you may at pleasure see.
Scene 10 Video Sc. 10 Enter Conscience, with brooms at her back, singing as followeth. Conscience New brooms, green brooms, will you buy any, Come maidens, come quickly, let me take a penny. My brooms are not steeped, But very well bound; My brooms be not crooked, But smooth-cut and round. I wish it should please you To buy my broom. Then would it well ease me, If market were done. Have you any old boots, Or any old shoes, Pouch-rings, or buskins, To cope for new broom? If so you have, maidens, I pray you bring hither, That you and I friendly May bargain together. New brooms, green brooms, will you buy any? Come, maidens, come quickly, let me take a penny. Conscience speaketh. Thus am I driven to make a virtue of necessity, And seeing God almighty will have it so, I embrace it thankfully, Desiring God to mollify and lessen Usury’s hard heart, That the poor people feel not the like penury and smart. But Usury is made tolerable amongst Christians as a necessary thing, So that going beyond the limits of our law, they extort, and many to misery bring. But if we should follow God’s law, we should not receive above that we lend, For if we lend for reward how can we say we are our neighbor’s friend? Oh, how blessed shall that man be that lends without abuse, But thrice accursed shall he be that greatly covets use. For he that covets overmuch, insasiate is his mind, So that to perjury and cruelty he wholly is inclined. Wherewith they sore oppress the poor by diverse, sundry ways, Which makes them cry unto the Lord to shorten cutthroats’ days. Paul calleth them thieves that doth not give the needy of their store, And thrice-accursed are they that take one penny from the poor, But while I stand reasoning thus, I forget my market clean. And sith God hath ordained this way, I am to use the mean. Sing again. Conscience Have ye any old shoes, Or have ye any boots? Have ye any buskins, Or will ye buy any broom? Who bargains or chops with Conscience? What, will no customer come? Enter Usury. Usury Who is it that cries brooms? What, Conscience selling brooms about the street? Conscience What, Usury, it is great pity thou art unhanged yet. Usury Believe me, Conscience, it grieves me thou art brought so low. Conscience Believe me, Usury, it grieves me thou wast not hanged long ago, For if thou hadst been hanged before thou slewest Hospitality, Thou hadst not made me and thousands more to feel the like poverty. Enter Lucre. Lucre Methought I heard one cry brooms along the door. Usury Aye, marry, madam, it was Conscience, who seems to be offended at me very sore. Lucre Alas, Conscience, art thou become a poor broom-wife? Conscience Alas, Lucre, wilt thou continue a harlot all days of thy life? Lucre Alas, methinks it is a grief to thee that thou art so poor. Conscience Alas, Lucre, methinks it is no pain to thee that thou still playest the whore. Lucre Well, well, Conscience, that sharp tongue of thine hath not been thy furtherance. If thou hadst kept thy tongue, thou hadst kept thy friend, and not have had such hindrance. But wottest thou who shall be married tomorrow? Love with my Dissimulation. For I think to bid the guests—they are by this time well nigh gone, And having occasion to buy brooms, I care not if I buy them all. Conscience Then give me a shilling, and, with a good will, have them you shall. Lucre Usury, carry in these brooms, and give them to the maid, For I know of such store she will be well apaid. Exit Usury with the brooms. Hold, Conscience, though thy brooms be not worth a quarter so much, Yet to give thee a piece of gold I do it not grutch. And if thou wouldst follow my mind, thou shouldst not live in such sort, But pass thy days with pleasure store of every kind of sport. Conscience I think you lead the world in a string, for everybody follows you. And sith everyone doth it, why may not I do it too? For that I see your free heart and great liberality, I marvel not that all people are so willing to follow ye. Lucre Then, sweet soul, mark what I would have thee do for me, That is: to deck up thy poor cottage handsomely: And for that purpose I have five thousand crowns in store, And when it is spent, thou shalt have twice so much more. But only see thy rooms be neat when I shall thither resort With familiar friends to pass the time in sport, For the deputy, constable, and spiteful neighbors do spy, pry, and eye about my house, That I dare not be once merry within, but still mute like a mouse. Conscience My good Lady Lucre, I will fulfill your mind in every kind of thing. So that you shall be welcome at all hours, whosoever you bring. And all the dogs in the town shall not bark at your doings, I trow, For your full pretense and intent I do thoroughly know Even so well as if you had opened the very secrets of your heart, For which I doubt not but to rest in your favor by my desert. But here comes your man, Usury. Enter Usury. Lucre I’ll send him home for the money. Usury, step in and bring me the box of all abomination that stands in the window. It is little and round, painted with diverse colors, and is pretty to the show. Usury Madam, is there any superscription thereon? Lucre Have I not told you the name? For shame, get you gone. Exit Usury. Well, my wench, I doubt not but our pleasures shall excel, Seeing thou hast got a corner fit, where few neighbors dwell And they be of the poorest sort, which fits our turn so right, Because they dare not speak against our sports and sweet delight. And if they should … alas, their words would not at all be weighed, And for to speak before my face, they will be all afraid. Enter Usury with a painted box of ink and a bag of gold coins in his hand. Usury Madam, I deem this same be it, so far as I can guess. Lucre Thou sayest the truth. ’Tis it in deed; the outside shows no less. But, Usury, I think Dissimulation hath not seen you since your coming home. Therefore go see him; he will rejoice when to him you are shown. It is a busy time with him. Help to further him if you can. Usury He may command me to attend at board to be his man. Exit Usury. Here, let Lucre open the box, and dip her finger in it, and spot Conscience’s face, saying as followeth. Lucre Hold here, my sweet, and then over to see what doth want; The more I do behold this face, the more my mind doth vaunt. This face is of favor, these cheeks are reddy and white, These lips are cherry-red, and full of deep delight. Quick-rolling eyes, her temples high and forehead white as snow, Her eyebrows seemly set in frame, with dimpled chin below. Oh, how beauty hath adorned thee with every seemly hue: In limbs, in looks, with all the rest proportion keeping due. Sure, I have not seen a finer soul in every kind of part. I cannot choose but kiss thee with my lips, that love thee with my heart. Conscience I have told the crowns, and here are just so many as you to me did say. Lucre Then, when thou wilt thou mayest depart, and homewards take thy way, And I pray thee make haste in decking of thy room, That I may find thy lodging fine when with my friend I come. Conscience I’ll make speed, and where I have with brooms oft-times been roaming, I mean henceforth not to be seen, but sit to watch your coming. Exit Conscience. Lucre Oh, how joyful may I be that such success do find. No marvel, for poverty and desire of Lucre do force them follow my mind. Now may I rejoice in full contentation, That shall marry Love with Dissimulation, And have spotted Conscience with all abomination — But I forget myself, for I must to the wedding, Both vauntingly and flauntingly, although I had no bidding. Exit Lucre.
Scene 11 Video Sc. 11 Enter Dissimulation and Cogging, his man, and Simony. Cogging Sir, although you be my master, I would not have you to upbraid my name. But I would have you use the right skill and title of the same; For my name is neither ’Scoggin, nor Scraggin’, but ancient Coggin’. Sir, my ancestors were five of the four worthies, And yourself are of my near kin. Dissimulation Indeed thou sayest true, for Cogging is a kinsman to Dissimulation. But tell me, have you taken the names of the guests? Cogging Yea, sir. Dissimulation Let me hear after what fashion. The names of the guests told by Cogging. Cogging There is first and foremost Master Forgery and Master Flattery, Master Perjury and Master Injury, Master Cruelty, and Master Pickery, Master Bribery and Master Treachery, Master Wink-at-wrong, and Master Headstrong, Mistress Privy-theft and Master Deep-Deceit, Master Abomination and Mistress Fornication (his wife), Ferdinando False-weight and Frissit False-measure (his wife). Dissimulation Stay! Fornication and Frissit False-measure are often familiar with my Lady Lucre, and one of them she accounts her friend. Therefore they shall sit with the bride in the middest, and the men at each end. Let me see… there are sixteen, even as many as well near is able To dine in the summer parlor, at the playing table, Beside my fellow Fraud, and you, fellow Simony. But I shall have a great miss of my fellow Usury. Simony Take no care for that; he came home yesterday even, no longer. His pardon was quickly begged, and that by a courtier. And, sirrah, since he came, he had like to have slain Good Neighborhood and Liberality, Had not True Friendship stepped between them very suddenly. But, sirrah, he hit True Friendship such a blow on the ear, That he keeps out of all men’s sight, for shame or for fear. Dissimulation Now, of my troth, it is a pretty jest. Hath he made True Friendship hide his head? Sure if it be so, Good Neighborhood and Liberality for fear are fled. Simony But fellow Dissimulation, tell me, what priest shall marry ye? Dissimulation Marry, that shall an old friend of mine, Master Doctor Hypocrisy. Simony Why, will you not haue sir Peter Pleaseman to supply that want? Dissimulation Indeed, Sir Peter is a good priest, but Doctor Hypocrisy is most ancient. But, Cousin Cogging, I pray you go to invite the guests, And tell them that they need not disturb their quietness. Desire them to come at dinner time, and it shall suffice, Because I know they will be loath so early to rise. But at any hand will Doctor Hipocrisy, That he meet us at the church very early, For I would not have all the world to wonder at our match. It is an old proverb: ’Tis good having a hatch before the door, but I’ll have a door before the hatch. Cogging Sir, I will about it as fast as I can hie. I’ll first to that scall, bald, knave, Doctor Hipocrisy. Exit Cogging. Simony But, fellow Dissimulation, how darest thou marry with Love, bearing no love at all? For thou doest nothing but dissemble — then thy love must needs be small. Thou canst not love but from the teeth forward. Sure the wife that marries thee shall highly be preferred. Dissimulation Tush, tush, you are a merry man; I warrant I know what I do, And can yield a good reason for it, I may say unto you. What and if the world should change, and run all on her side? Then might I by her means still in good credit abide. Thou knowest Love is ancient, and lives peaceably without any strife. Then sure the people will think well of me because she is my wife. Simony Trust me, thou art as crafty to have an eye to the main chance, As the tailor that out of seven yards stole one and a half of durance. He served at that time the devil in the likeness of Saint Katherine. Such tailors will thrive, that out of a doublet and a pair of hose can steal their wife an apron. The doublet sleeves three fingers were too short, The Venetians came nothing near the knee. Dissimulation Then for to make them long enough, I pray thee, what did he? Simony Two pieces set, an handful broad, to lengthen them withal, Yet for all that, below the knee by no means they could fall. He, seeing that, desired the party to buy as much to make another pair. The party did, yet, for all that, he stole a quarter there. Dissimulation Now, sure, I can him thank: he could his occupation! My fellow Fraud would laugh to hear one dressed of such a fashion. But, fellow Simony, I thank you heartily for comparing the tailor to me, As who should say his knavery and my policy did agree. Simony Not so, but I was the willinger to tell thee, because I know it to be a true tale, And to see how artificers do extol Fraud, by whom they bear their sale. But come, let us walk and talk no more of this; Your policy was very good, and so, no doubt, was his. Exeunt.
Scene 12 Video Sc. 12 Enter Mercadorus reading a letter to himself, and let Gerontus the Jew follow him, and speak as followeth: Gerontus Signor Mercadorus, why do you not pay me? Think you I will be mocked in this sort? This is three times you have flouted me – it seems you make thereat a sport. Truly, pay me my money, and that even now presently, Or by mighty Muhammad I swear, I will forthwith arrest ye. Mercadorus Ha, pray-a bear wit me tree or four days – me have mush business in hand. Me be troubled wit letters you see here dat comes from England. Gerontus Tush, this is not my matter. I have nothing therewith to do. Pay me my money – or I’ll make you – before to your lodging you go. I have officers stand watching for you, so that you cannot pass by, Therefore you were best to pay me, or else in prison you shall lie. Mercadorus Arrest me, dou scall knave? Marry, do, if dou dare. Me will not pay de one penny. Arrest me, do – me do not care, Me will be a Turk — me came heddar for dat cause. Darefore me care not for de so mush as two straws. Gerontus This is but your words, because you would defeat me: I cannot think you will forsake your faith so lightly. But seeing you drive me to doubt, I’ll try your honesty. Therefore be sure of this – I’ll go about it presently. Exit. Mercadorus Marry, farewell and be hanged, sitten, scall, drunken Jew! I warrant ye, me shall be able very vell to pay you. My Lady Lucre have sent me here dis letter, Praying me to cozen de Jew for love a her. Darefore me’ll go to get-a some Turk’s apparel, Dat me may cozen da Jew, and end dis quarrel. Exit.
Scene 13 Video Sc. 13 Enter three beggars, that is to say Tom Beggar, Wily Will, and Simplicity, singing: The Song. Tom Beggar, Wily Will, Simplicity To the wedding, to the wedding, to the wedding go we, To the wedding, a-begging, a-begging all three. Tom Beggar shall brave it, and Wily Will too. Simplicity shall knave it wherever we go. With lusty bravado, take care that care will, To catch it, and snatch it, we have the brave skill. Our fingers are lime-twigs, and barbers we be, To catch sheets from hedges, most pleasant to see. Then to the alewife roundly we set them to sale, And spend the money merrily upon her good ale. To the wedding, to the wedding, to the wedding go we, To the wedding, a-begging, a-begging all three. Tom Beggar Now truly, my masters, of all occupations under the sun, begging is the best, For when a man is weary, then may he lay him down to rest. Tell me, is it not a lord’s life in summer to loose one under a hedge? And then, leaving that game, may go clip and coll his Madge? Or else may walk to take the wholesome air abroad for his delight, Where he may tumble on the grass, have sweet smells, and see many a pretty sight? Why, an emperor for all his wealth can have but his pleasure, And surely I would not lose my charter of liberty, for all the king’s treasure. Wily Will Shall I tell thee, Tom Beggar? By the faith of a gentleman this ancient freedom I would not forgo, If I might have whole mines of money at my will to bestow. Then a man’s mind should be troubled to keep that he had, And you know it were not for me – it would make my valiant mind mad. For now we neither pay church money, subsidies, fifteens, scot nor lot: All the payings we pay is to pay the good ale pot. Simplicity But, fellow beggars, you cozen me, and take away all the best meat, And leave me nothing but brown bread or fin of fish to eat. When you be at the alehouse, you drink up the strong ale and give me small beer. You tell me ’tis better than the strong, to make me sing clear. Indeed, you know with my singing I get twice as much as ye, But, an you serve me so, you shall sing yourselves, and beg alone for me. Tom Beggar We stand prating here; come, let us go to the gate. Mass, I am greatly afraid we are come somewhat too late. Knocking Good, gentle Master Porter, your reward do bestow, On a poor lame man that hath but a pair of legs to go. Wily Will Knocking For God’s sake, good Master Porter, give somewhat to the blind, That the way to the alehouse in his sleep cannot find. Tom Beggar Knocking For the good Lord’s sake, take compassion on the poor. Enter Fraud as the porter with a basket of meat on his arm. Fraud How now, sirs, you are vengeance hasty! Can ye not tarry, But stand bawling so at my lady’s door? Here, take it amongst you Offering from basket, then pulling back– yet ’twere a good alms-deed to give you nothing, Because you were so hasty, and kept such a calling. Tom Beggar I beseech ye not so, sir, for we are very hungry. That made us so earnest, but we are sorry we troubled ye. Fraud gives the basket. Simplicity Aside Look how greedy they be – like dogs that fall a-snatching. You shall see that I shall have the greatest alms because I said nothing. Fraud knows me, therefore he’ll be my friend, I am sure of that. They have nothing but lean beef; ye shall see I shall have a piece that’s fat. To Fraud Master Fraud, you have forgot me! Pray ye, let me have my share. Fraud Faith, all is gone! Thou com’st too late; thou see’st all is given there. By the faith of a gentleman, I have it not; I would I were able to give thee more. Simplicity Oh, sir, I saw your arms hang out at a stable door. Fraud Indeed, my arms are at the painter’s – belike he hung them out to dry I pray thee, tell me what they were, if thou canst them descry. Simplicity Marry, there was never a scutcheon, but there was two trees rampant, And then over them lay a sour tree passant, With a man like you in a green field pendant, Having a hempen halter about his neck, with a knot under the left ear, because you are a younger brother. Then, sir, there stands, on each hand, holding up by the crease, A worthy ostler’s hand in a dish of grease. Besides all this, on the helmet stands the hangman’s hand, Ready to turn the ladder whereon your picture did stand. Then under the helmet hung tables like chains, and for what they are I cannot devise, Except it be to make you hang fast, that the crows might pick out your eyes. Fraud aside What a swad is this? I had been better to have sent him to the back door, To have gotten some alms amongst the rest of the poor. — Thou prat’st thou canst not tell what, or else art not well in thy wit; I am sure my arms are not blazed so far abroad as yet. Simplicity Oh, yes, sir, your arms were known a great while ago, For your elder brother Deceit did give those arms too. Marry, the difference is all, which is the knot under the left ear. The painter says when he is hanged, you may put out the knot without fear. I am sure they were your arms, for there was written in Roman letters round about the hempen collar: Given by the worthy valiant Captain Master Fraud, the ostler. Now, God be with ye, sir, I’ll get me even close to the back door. Farewell, Tom Beggar and Wily Will; I’ll beg with you no more. Exit. Tom Beggar Oh, farewell, Simplicity; we are very loath to lose thy company. Fraud Now he is gone, give ear to me. You seem to be sound men in every joint and limb, And can ye live in this sort to go up and down the country a-begging? Oh, base minds! I trow I had rather hack it out by the highway-side Than such misery and penury still to abide. Sirs, if you will be ruled by me, and do what I shall say, I’ll bring ye where we shall have a notable fine prey. It is so, sirs, that a merchant, one Mercadorus, is coming from Turkey, And it is my lady’s pleasure that he robbèd should be. She hath sworn that we shall be all sharers alike, And upon that willed me some such companions as you be to seek. Tom Beggar Oh, worthy Captain Fraud, you have won my noble heart. You shall see how manfully I can play my part. And here’s Wily Will, as good a fellow as your heart can wish To go a-fishing with a crank through a window, or to set lime-twigs to catch a pan, pot, or dish. Wily Will He says true, for I tell you, I am one that will not give back, Not for a double shot out of black jack. Oh, sir, you bring us a-bed when ye talk of this gear, Come, shall we go, worthy captain? I long till we be there. Fraud Ay, let us about it, to provide our weapons ready, And when the time serves, I myself will conduct ye. Tom Beggar Oh, valiantly spoken. Come, Wily Will, two pots of ale we’ll bestow On our captain courageously for a parting blow. Exeunt.
Scene 14 Video Sc. 2 Enter the Judge of Turkey, with Gerontus and Mercadorus in Turkish clothing. Judge of Turkey Sir Gerontus, because you are the plaintiff, you first your mind shall say. Declare the cause you did arrest this merchant yesterday. Gerontus Then, learned judge, attend: this Mercadorus, whom you see in place, Did borrow two thousand ducats of me but for a five weeks’ space. Then, sir, before the day came, by his flattery he obtained one thousand more, And promised me at two months’ end I should receive my store. But before the time expired, he was closely fled away, So that I never heard of him, at least this two years’ day, Till at the last I met with him, and my money did demand, Who swore to me at five days’ end he would pay me out of hand. The five days came, and three days more, then one day he requested. I, perceiving that he flouted me, have got him thus arrested. And now he comes in Turkish weeds to defeat me of my money, But, I trow, he’ll not forsake his faith; I deem he hath more honesty. Judge of Turkey Sir Gerontus, you know if any man forsake his faith, king, country, and become a Mahomet, All debts are paid. ’Tis the law of our realm, and you may not gainsay it. Gerontus Most true, reverend judge, we may not, nor I will not against our laws grudge. Judge of Turkey Signor Mercadorus, is this true that Gerontus doth tell? Mercadorus My lord judge, de matter and circumstance be true, me know well; But me will be a Turk, and for dat cause me came here. Judge of Turkey Then it is but a folly to make many words. Senior Mercadorus, draw near. Lay your hand on this book, and say after me — Mercadorus With a good will, my lord judge, me be all ready. Gerontus Not for any devotion, but for Lucre’s sake of my money. Judge of Turkey Say I, Mercadorus, do utterly renounce before all the world my duty to my prince, my honor to my parents, and my goodwill to my country. Mercadorus Furthermore, I protest and swear to be true to this country during life, and thereupon I forsake my Christian faith. Gerontus Stay there, most puissant judge! — Signor Mercadorus, consider what you do. Pay me the principal. As for the interest, I forgive it you, And yet the interest is allowed amongst you Christians, as well as in Turkey; Therefore, respect your faith, and do not seem to deceive me. Mercadorus No point da interest, no point da principal. Gerontus Then pay me the one half, if you will not pay me all. Mercadorus No point da half, no point denier – me will be a Turk, I say. Me be weary of my Christ’s religion, and for dat me come away. Gerontus Well, seeing it is so, I would be loath to hear the people say it was ’long of me Thou forsakest thy faith; wherefore I forgive thee frank and free, Protesting before the judge and all the world never to demand penny nor halfpenny. Mercadorus Oh, Sir Gerontus, me take-a your proffer, and tank you most heartily. Judge of Turkey But, Signor Mercadorus, I trow ye will be a Turk for all this. Mercadorus Signor, no – not for all da gold in da world me forsake-a my Christ! Judge of Turkey Why then it is as Sir Gerontus said: you did more for the greediness of the money, Than for any zeal or goodwill you bare to Turkey. Mercadorus Oh, sir, you make a great offense; You must not judge-a my conscience. Judge of Turkey One may judge and speak truth, as appears by this: Jews seek to excel in Christianity, and Christians in Jewishness. Exit. Mercadorus Well, well; but me tank you, Sir Gerontus, wit all my very heart. Gerontus Much good may it do you, sir. I repent it not, for my part. But yet I would not have this bolden you to serve another so. Seek to pay, and keep day with men, so a good name on you will go. Exit. Mercadorus You say vell, sir. — It does me good dat me have cozened de Jew. Faith, I would my Lady Lucre de whole matter now knew. What is dat me will not do for her sweet sake? But now me will provide my journey toward England to take. Me be a Turk? No. It will make my Lady Lucre to smile When she knows how me did da skall Jew beguile. Exit.
Scene 15 Video Sc. 15 Enter Lucre, and Love with a vizard behind. Lucre Mistress Love, I marvel not a little what coy conceit is crept into your head, That you seem so sad and sorrowful since the time you first did wed. Tell me, sweet wench, what thou ailest, and if I can ease thy grief, I will be pressed to pleasure thee in yielding of relief. Sure, thou makest me for to think somewhat hath chanced amiss; I pray thee, tell me what thou ailest, and what the matter is. Love My grief, alas, I shame to show, because my bad intent Hath brought on me a just reward, and eke a strange event. Shall I be counted Love? Nay, rather lascivious Lust, Because unto Dissimulation I did repose such trust. But now I moan too late, and blush my hap to tell. My head in monstrous sort, alas, doth more and more still swell. Lucre Is your head then swollen, good Mistress Love? I pray you, let me see – She looks behind the vizard Of truth it is! Behold a face that seems to smile on me. It is fair and well-favored, with a countenance smooth and good. Wonder is the worst, to see two faces in a hood. Come, let’s go, we’ll find some sports to spurn away such toys. Love Were it not for Lucre, sure Love had lost her joys.
Scene 16 Video Sc. 16 Enter Serviceable Diligence, the Constable, and Simplicity with an Officer to whip him, or two if you can Simplicity Why, but must I be whipped, Master Constable, indeed? You may save your labor, for I have no need. Diligence I must needs see thee punished. There is no remedy, Except thou wilt confess, and tell me Where thy fellows are become that did the robbery. Simplicity Indeed, Master Constable, I do not know of their stealing. For I did not see them since we went together a-begging. Therefore pray ye, sir, be miserable to me, and let me go, For I labor to get my living with begging, you know. Diligence Thou wast seen in their company a little before the deed was done. Therefore it is most likely thou knowest where they are become. Simplicity Why, Master Constable, if a sheep go among wolves all day, Shall the sheep be blamed if they steal anything away? Diligence Yea, marry, shall he; for it is a great presumption That, keeping them company, he is of like profession. But dispatch, sirs. Strip him and whip him – Stand not to reason the question. Simplicity Indeed, ’twas Fraud, so it was – it was not I. And here he comes himself – ask him if I lie. Enter Fraud Diligence What sayest thou, villain? I would advise thee hold thy tongue. I know him to be a wealthy man and a burgess of the town. To Fraud Sir, an it please your mastership, here’s one slanders you with felony. He saith you were the chief doer of a robbery. Fraud What says the rascal? But you know, It standeth not with my credit to brawl. But good Master Constable, for his slanderous report, Pay him double, and in as great a matter command me you shall. Exit Simplicity Master Constable, must the countenance carry out the knave? Why then if one will face folks out, some fine repariment he must have. Beadle put off his clothes. Beadle Come, Sir Jack Sauce, make quick dispatch at once. You shall see how finely we will fetch the skin from your bones. Simplicity Nay, but tell me, be you both right-handed or no? Beadle What is that to thee? Why wouldst thou so fain know? Simplicity Marry, if you should both be right-handed, the one would hinder the other. Then it would not be done finely according to order, For if you whip me not with credit, it is not worth a pin. Therefore, I pray you, Master Constable, let me be whipped on the skin. Diligence Whereon dost thou think they would whip thee, I pray thee declare? That thou puttest us in mind, and takest so great care? Simplicity I was afraid you would have worn out my clothes with whipping, Then afterward I should go naked a-begging. Beadle Have no doubt of that; we will favor thy clothes. Thou shalt judge that thyself, by feeling the blows. Beadle and Officer lead him once or twice about whipping him, and so exeunt.
Scene 17 Video Sc. 17 Enter Judge Nemo, the Clerk of the assize, the Crier, and Serviceable Diligence. The Judge and Clerk being set, the Crier shall sound thrice. Judge Nemo Serviceable Diligence, bring hither such prisoners as are in your custody. Diligence My diligence shall be applied very willingly. Gives order. Pleaseth it you, there are but three prisoners, so far as I know, Which are Lucre and Conscience, with a deformed creature much like Bifrons, the base daughter of Juno. Judge Nemo No? Where is that wretch Dissimulation? Diligence He hath transformed himself after a strange fashion. Judge Nemo Fraud? Where is he become? Diligence He was seen in the streets walking in a citizen’s gown. Judge Nemo What is become of Usury? Diligence He was seen at the Exchange very lately. Judge Nemo Tell me when you heard of Simony? Diligence He was seen this day walking in Paul’s, having conference and very great familiarity with some of the clergy. Judge Nemo Fetch Lucre and Conscience to the bar. Diligence Behold, worthy judge, here ready they are. Enter Lucre and Conscience. Judge Nemo To the ladies Stand forth. To Diligence Diligence, divide them asunder. Clerk Lucre, thou art indicted by the name of Lucre To have committed adultery with Mercadorus, the merchant, and Creticus, the lawyer. Thou art also indicted for the robbery of Mercadorus; Lastly, and chiefly, for the consenting to the murder of Hospitality. What sayest thou – art thou guilty or not in these causes? Lucre Not guilty. Where are mine accusers? They may shame to show their faces. I warrant you none comes, nor dare, to discredit my name. In despite of the teeth of them that dare, I speak in disdain. Judge Nemo Impudent! Canst thou deny deeds so manifestly known? Lucre In denial stands trial. I shame not; let them be shown. It grinds my gall they should slander me on this sort; They are some old, cankered, currish, corrupt carls that gave me this report. My soul craves revenge on such my sacred foes, And revengement I will have, if body and soul I lose. Judge Nemo Abundance of thy abomination, all evils are rife. — But what sayest thou, Conscience, to thy accusation, That art accused to have been bawd unto Lucre and spotted with all abomination? Conscience What should I say? Nay, what would I say in this our naughty living ? Lucre Good Conscience, if thou love me say nothing. Clerk Diligence, suffer her not to stand prating. Let him put her aside. Judge Nemo What letter is that in thy bosom, Conscience? Diligence, reach it hither. Make as though ye read it. Conscience, speak on, let me hear what thou canst say, For I know in singleness thou wilt a truth bewray. Conscience My good lord, I have no way to excuse myself. She hath corrupted me by flattery and her accursed pelf. What need further trial, sith I, Conscience, am a thousand witnesses? I cannot choose but condemn us all in living amiss. Such terror doth affright me, that living, I wish to die. I am afraid there is no spark left for me of God’s mercy. Judge Nemo Conscience, where hadst thou this letter? Conscience It was put into my bosom by Lucre, Willing me to keep secret our lascivious living. I cannot but condemn us all in this thing. Judge Nemo To Lucre How now, malapert? Stand you still in defense or no? This letter declares thy guilty conscience. How sayest thou – is it not so? Tell me, why standest thou in a maze? Speak quickly. Hadst thou thy tongue so liberal and now stand to study? Lucre Oh, Conscience, thou hast killed me! By thee I am overthrown! Judge Nemo It is happy that by Conscience thy abomination is known, Wherefore I pronounce judgment against thee on this wise: Thou shalt pass to the place of darkness, where thou shalt hear fearful cries, Weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and torment without end, Burning in the lake of fire and brimstone because thou canst not amend. Wherefore, Diligence, convey her hence, throw her down to the lowest hell, Where the infernal sprites and damned ghosts do dwell, And bring forth Love. Exeunt Lucre and Diligence. Let Lucre make ready for Love quickly and come with Diligence. Declare the cause, Conscience, at large how thou comest so spotted, Whereby many by thee hath been greatly infected. For under the color of conscience thou deceivedst many, Causing them to defile the temple of God, which is man’s body: A clean conscience is a sacrifice – God’s own resting place. Why wast thou then corrupted so, and spotted on thy face? Conscience When Hospitality had his throat cut by Usury, He oppressed me with cruelty and brought me to beggary, Turning me out of house and home, and in the end, My gown to pay my rent to him I did send. So driven to that extremity, I have fallen to that you see, Yet after judgment I hope of God’s mercy. Judge Nemo Oh. Conscience, shall cankered coin corrupt thy heart? Or shall want in this world cause thee to feel everlasting smart? Oh – Conscience, what a small time thou hast on earth to live. Why doest thou not then to God all honor give? Considering the time is everlasting that thou shalt live in bliss, If by thy life thou rise from death to judgment, mercy, and forgiveness. Enter Love and Diligence. Judge Nemo Stand aside, Conscience. To Diligence Bring Love to the bar. To Love What sayest thou to thy deformity? Who was the cause? Love Lady Lucre. Judge Nemo Did Lucre choke thee so, that thou gavest thyself over to lust? And did prodigal expenses cause thee in Dissimulation to trust? Thou wast pure Love, and art thou become a monster, Bolstering thyself upon the lasciviousness of Lucre? Love, answer for thyself! Speak in thy defense! Love I cannot choose but yield, confounded by Conscience. Judge Nemo Then judgment I pronounce on thee, because thou followed Lucre, Whereby thou hast sold thy soul to feel like torment with her, Which torments comprehended are in the worm of Conscience, Who raging still shall ne’er have end, a plague for thine offense. Care shall be thy comfort, and sorrow shall thy life sustain; Thou shalt be dying, yet never dead, but pining still in endless pain. Diligence, convey her to Lucre: let that be her reward, Because unto her cankered coin she gave her whole regard. But as for Conscience, carry her to prison, There to remain until the day of general session. Thus we make an end, Knowing that the best of us all may amend, Which God grant, to his good will and pleasure, That we be not corrupted with the unsatiate desire of vanishing earthly treasure; For covetousness is the cause of wresting man’s conscience; Therefore restrain thy lust, and thou shalt shun the offense.
FINIS.